Vivid Memories: 2023

PROLOGUE

Dedicated with a genuine love for the memories I have lived through 2023, I scribble the words of these short stories while trying to imagine and hold the memories alive–vivid and delicate that I do not want to lose sight of the intricate details or the depths of the emotions I have felt during those times.

CHAPTER ONE

Back in December

Rummaging the maze of my memories, I will always remember one day that stands out and lingers vividly with every emotion at once, a chapter of scenes so surreal I feel as if my mind wanders into one of my story plots only seen in Western movies or Korean dramas. Something about it will always be fulfilling–a once-in-a-lifetime memory and one of the happiest, not just because of waves of laughter but of tears that encapsulate every emotion I felt after finally feeling all the light hugging me at the end of a tunnel.

 

That day was supposed to be a mundane, normal one.

I need to get up… quickly, I thought half-awake, looking at the 6:30 AM alarm on my phone. The sunlight striking my face as it peeks through the purple curtains helped my eyes see the morning clearly–though the world was still a blurry scene since my vision needed near-sighted eyeglasses. 

That day started as one of those days–little short stories I try to cherish with every passing moment. I used to feel bored during mundane days when nothing happened significantly, as if every day was supposed to be a party, a lottery ticket, or an unexpected event that led you to mind-blowing circumstances. But with a mix of rollercoaster days, I learned to grasp every emotion: feeling happiness when I am cheerful, melancholy when I am sad, and ordinary when I feel ordinary.

Stretching my arms as I yawned the sleepiness out of my mind, I tried to feel energetic so that I could make myself move.

It was 6:30 in the morning of December 9, 2023, and, unfortunately, even though it was a Saturday, a day I was supposed to be hugging the softness of my pillows and wrapping myself with a comforting blanket of peace with no alarms to disturb my sleep, I had to go outside for a task–a group practice at 8:00 AM for an activity. The group work was the only significant task I embedded in my mind of schedules and to-do lists the night before, as someone who lives with lists and papers and journals and tries to organize her life amidst all the busy and full-packed schedules. The group work was just the main thing out of all the mundane ones of eating, watching, or reading I was expecting on that day. 

Yet it turned out to be more than that, unexpectedly.

Just after eating breakfast and checking my phone, I saw Kuya Mico’s message: “May email na ba sila sau?”

With that one chat, I already knew what it was about. It was the only thing we were expecting an email from. The admission result of Williams College, an international school in the United States that I was eyeing, was something that I was waiting for hopefully and anxiously.

Yet I replied in my head, huh… hindi ba sa December 15 pa ‘yun?

I knew what my brother’s message was about, but I did not believe it since I thought the results would be released on December 15, 2023. During the past few weeks before December, I was already feeling rollercoaster emotions–doubt, anxious thoughts, and fear. Inevitably, anyone would feel indescribable feelings once a dream is on the line. Even writing contest results make me scared and nervous sometimes, but this was different. Carved in my heart was the hope of striving for the most, which includes opportunities of studying internationally, and the fire of trying. Being an academic achiever who tries to make the most out of opportunities, I wanted to transcend more–for me to be able to help the world as a stronger and better person someday. 

Thus, accompanied by the humility of I am going where I am supposed to go, I was also feeling the hopeful words of Dreams can come true and the fearful words of Where am I supposed to go?

Where am I supposed to go?

Where will I go?

Will I be enough?

Am I already enough?

All questions circle as I dreamt of being accepted into an international school while I prepared and strived. Well, dreaming comes with a cost–the doubt and pain of waiting, trying, hoping, trying, and trying again. 

I knew how to handle doubt and I also knew how to handle the desire of winning. I knew the principle of hoping and trying–of not losing sight of the words, “Win or lose, you already won from trying.” I knew the idea that nothing was certain and that I could fail, stumble, break, or crumble. I knew I could handle failures and celebrate both successes and losses because I always knew I tried and that there would always be another chance.

But sometimes knowing is not enough.

Knowing how to handle things was not enough to drive emotions away. It was not enough to make me not feel doubt, anxious, or scared of everything on the line during those moments of waiting for the admission result. With my College era being a blink of an eye away from happening, I was scared of results. 

“Where am I supposed to go?” echoed in my head.

There was this sense of doubt, for the chance of getting accepted was blurry and uncertain. But with that sense of doubt was my dream–to strive the most in life. Even if it was a slim chance or an unattainable dream, I hoped for it. Just like how Kuya Mico hoped for me too. 

My older brother, Kuya Mico, was an excellent dreamer who transcended all odds because despite not having enough resources, he dreamed and dove right into trying–he applied to international schools four years ago, got accepted, and went to Williams College. Our family was beyond proud of him, even feeling surreal because the idea of studying internationally was like an idea that never crossed our minds yet Kuya Mico turned the impossible into reality. Amidst Kuya Mico having the experience of applying and being able to live great things and opportunities as an international student for the past years, he made me believe as well. 

After reading Kuya Mico’s message asking if there was already an email, I checked my email inbox. 

Opening the email app and seeing the latest mail of Your Williams College Admission Decision triggered a rain of emotions within me like a pile of rocks and stones with ice and honey splashed from my head down to my toes. Everything felt heavy, literally. Even though the house was filled with noises of my family talking and the outside chirping with nearby vehicles and a windy atmosphere, my little bubble shrank into a heavy, silent feeling. It felt like I had a secret that was so serious and grim and I had to keep it to myself. 

The feeling lasted for five seconds and I managed to focus my vision with my fingers on the phone. I saw a glimpse of the email, but with the feeling getting heavier, I exited the app and breathed. I breathed, walked a few steps, went to the kitchen, walked around, breathed, clutched my phone, breathed, walked back to the living room, sat down, and breathed again.

My mind raced with thoughts, Mamaya ko na lang buksan… Natatakot ako…

I opened my phone, clicked the notes app, and typed my thoughts out into the world: kinakabahan ako, Lord huhu.

After a few seconds of acknowledging the heavy atmosphere, I messaged Kuya Mico, “huy may email na pala, natatakot aq buksan.”

While my thoughts debated on whether I should open the results or not, Kuya Mico called instantly.

“Buksan mo na,” he said quickly like he wanted to know it already.

I was scared to open it… besides, I had a group practice.

I had a group practice at 8 AM… and if I opened it at this moment, I would be distracted during practice.

If it was a rejected result… then I would be hiding my pain during practice…

I told Kuya Mico that I would open the result once I got home later from practice. In the email, there was a link that would redirect you to their site where you could log in and the result would flash on the screen. Agreeing to the idea, I told my family the news that in a few hours from now, we will finally know my admission result. My father, Dade, even told me to open it already but I insisted that I was scared and that I would open it after the group practice.

Going to Camiling Plaza for practice, meeting my groupmates, seeing other friends, and practicing our performance task did not escape the inevitable thoughts that circled my head. I managed to get my mind off the admission result while we practiced, but my thoughts wandered back to it during break time. 

Yet it was so funny how I could hide it. I was used to keeping things to my private, little bubble that it was a natural thing for me already. There was a moment when someone told me that nothing about international college applications, my anxiety, and doubt were obvious on my face. No one really saw; no one really knew. The only people who knew my struggles and plans of striving for an international college were me and my family.

I studied with my classmates, juggling extracurricular activities and still socializing in the youthful atmosphere of high school, while I hid and kept everything–working on personal essays to recommendation letters and preparation for tests to completing requirements for college application–to myself.

The ride in a tricycle back home after practice was a core memory, for it was the time I talked to myself.

The thoughts I remembered thinking were, Natatakot ako, pero mamaya na natin isipin pag nandyan na. I will go where I am supposed to go. 

Once I got home, I called Kuya Mico instantly, trying to reach him despite knowing that it was already 1 PM, which meant it was already midnight in his place in the U.S. 

Fortunately, he was still awake and I quickly said before I changed my mind, “Bubuksan ko na.”

Rummaging in the living room, I placed my laptop and my phone, which had a video call with Kuya Mico, on a desk. Dade was already beside me, and I asked for another phone since Kuya Mico said, “I-video mo dali.”

Taking a video was an excellent idea that I am still happy for up to this day since every emotion and memory we have gone through during those moments was captured as vividly as possible with a video.

While my mother, Mama, and Dade stood beside me as I opened my laptop and email, I was already keeping all my emotions inside. From seeing the screen where I needed to put my email address and password, all my emotions escalated, quietly and secretly. Deep within, the heavy feeling started to weigh more, slowly making my tears well up again because of fear.

“Natatakot ako,” I screeched as I laughed it out, feeling as if laughter would ease away my worries and fear.

“Okay lang ‘yan,” echoed around the living room as my parents tried to console me, telling me that it was fine whatever the result was.

Kuya Mico, even if miles and timelines away from us, knew how to say his words to ignite my fiery hope, “Buksan mo na. Everything happens for a reason…”

“Natatakot ako…” I repeated as if the fear was not already there.

I knew it all. I knew their words… that it would be okay–that everything would be okay no matter what the result was. I knew that I was already grateful and happy to be able to have the chance to apply and dream. I knew that no matter what, Alyza would always make the most out of life, and that includes celebrating wins, absorbing losses, and appreciating the ordinary and mundane days of life.

I knew it all, but I also knew that emotions would be there, creeping into you.

So, instead, I accepted the fear. My eyes were already teary-eyed when I heard their words of encouragement, which pushed me to open the result already.

Natatakot ako, pero gagawin ko nang takot, words echoed in my head.

The seconds passing by as I typed the letters of my email address and password were silent and heavy as if the clocks were waiting alongside us to finally see a result that would be reaped from a journey that lasted for months.

From the moment I entered the right password, everything was a blur and moved so quickly.

That day was supposed to be a mundane, normal one, but it was more than everything I ever expected.

The screen of my laptop paused for a millisecond, changing from the site to a white screen, and with a second of a blur, something flashed like an anticipated surprise of everything everywhere all at once.

Words–so many words–flashed on my screen in a seemingly endless letter format, but my eyes–my nearsighted, teary-eyed eyes–focused and kept their vision straight into the first line of words.

With my eyes quickly scanning the very first words, I tried to understand and decipher everything until my vision met the 15-letter word that encapsulated the surreal, fulfilling feeling of that day.

Congratulations!

The 15-letter word, Congratulations, was the repetitive yet always so wholesome and fulfilling word that echoed from kind and supportive people throughout the succeeding days in December up until now.

And I still feel it up until now: Congratulations, Aly. I am proud of you.

“Admission?! Congratulations sabi?!” I screamed when my parents were busy trying to read the lines of the letter. I was dumbfounded as if I was a child seeing real unicorns and flying horses in front of her, seemingly as if everything was just a dream–literally and figuratively, for it was a dream come true.

I was squealing, with my eyes and mouth wide open, trying to ask for assurance, some sort of answer from the universe telling me that it was all real. I read the lines again, and even if it was too good and surreal to be true while my parents and Kuya Mico were already screaming, I realized the fact that the letter was indeed for me with the words: 

Dear Aly,

On behalf of all of us at Williams, I am delighted to offer you admission to the Class of 2028. Congratulations!

My emotions bloomed into a fulfilling feeling–something that made me float into a surreal, overwhelming state.

So I cried–it was the first time I ever cried from tears of happiness. 

We were all screaming, jumping, and celebrating with every word and cry we could muster out into the world. My overflowing tears eventually turned into happy waves of laughter, with Kuya Mico jumping happily in the video call and my family delightfully celebrating together.

It was all surreal that every emotion felt so real.

I could never replay the feelings nor relive the emotions, but I will always remember them. The vivid, surreal memory of that certain day felt like all the heavy burdens and weights were lifted from my shoulders and that there was finally the fulfilling crisp of certainty–of finally having an answer to the question Where am I supposed to go?

My heart welled with gratitude. No one really knows what happens behind the scenes, but I cherished the bumpy, stressful journey of it all, including the overwhelming light at the end of the tunnel. 

It took some time to sink it in, but the first set of thoughts I had when I realized I was accepted to Williams College was, Thank you, Lord.

Studying internationally was just one of my goals–dreams that were blurry–that I used to strive for and look forward to like a hopeful little girl trying to reach the ethereal moon, colorful skies, and the depths of the oceans. 

This memory is a top-tier one, a bundle of overpowering emotions that was wrapped in a short story. With this happy, fulfilling memory, I get to mark a reminder in my mind that even if everything is uncertain, anything can happen. 

It made me believe in myself more, that amidst all the uncertainties and doubts, I can always try, hope, and reach unimaginable heights. 

Every bit of the journey that led me to December 9, 2023 was life-changing and an epitome of what I want to do in my lifetime: that no matter what happens, I will try to make the most out of life. 

Up until this day, I still strive to be better, feel ordinary, do extraordinary, live happily, and make the most out of everything. My journey does not end in achieving goals, as it transcends time and continues every day and every year. At the end of the day, the week, or the season, I will always cherish and be grateful for the blessings I have received, celebrate the wins I have attained, and hope to help people today and more people someday. 

With the euphoric milestone, there came answers.

Where will I go?

I will go where I am supposed to go.

Will I be enough?

You are already enough.

Am I already enough?

Again, you will always be enough.

You will be enough and you are enough just the way you are–the way you do the things you have to do, the things you want to do, and the things you love to do. It's in our hands to strive for better days, mold better versions of ourselves, and try for opportunities. 

Yet appreciating the present moments, the ordinary, the mundane, the ongoing journey, the waiting time, the moments where you dream, the moments where you try and hope and try and hope again, and the clock that clicks every second you are reading this text is a way for us to breathe as well.

Appreciating and celebrating who we are right now makes us breathe, and breathing at this moment is already enough.

Besides, after we breathe, we can take it one step at a time.

And when we experience a euphoric, fulfilling memory, we can let our hearts and emotions out into the world, and we can breathe gratefully again.

CHAPTER TWO

My Getaway in May

During the academic year 2022-2023, as a Grade 11 student at TAU-Laboratory School back then, I had a full-packed plate and schedule that haunted me every day. 

Being the TAU-LS Student Council Chairperson, TAU-LS The Tillers Editor-in-Chief, and having other organization duties, I had several responsibilities and tasks alongside my academic, social, and family responsibilities. From thinking about organization events and activities to completing requirements and academic work, I got used to my busy life of mine. 

I would walk across hallways to the faculty room, ask queries and convey concerns, walk back to our classroom, listen attentively to teachers conveying loads of information, walk outside again, greet students and friends I walk past, lead meetings by lunchtime, walk across hallways once again, take notes in consecutive classes, recite in classes, and, in the end, try to cherish the busy everyday life of being a student. 

Honestly, I was never the same person I was two years ago during the pandemic. If I compare my present version of 12th Grade Alyza to 10th Grade Alyza, I know everything is different. Since then, I bloomed significantly as a better person–someone who I never expected to exist but is now existing gracefully with charm and an ethereal personality. 

Yet it did not mean a peaceful, easy journey. Nothing about my growth happened overnight like shooting stars miraculously making me transcend in just one day. It took time–seconds, days, weeks, months, and years that piled up with the effort of trying and doing. 

With the responsibilities came the cost of stressful, busy days of checking my to-do list every night just to prepare for the things and tasks I had to complete tomorrow. Most nights included printing several papers, editing various things, and listing things I had to address the next day. Thus, the school year of Grade 11, where responsibilities became heavier as I became the Chair and EIC during the first face-to-face year after the pandemic, was difficult yet memorable. Besides, I was aware that I had to face uncomfortable situations of growth and transcend from my shy, reserved shell to become better and braver–to be able to grow into the best version I could be. 

Everything was fulfilling, from knowing your effort pays off after every activity is successfully executed to appreciating every memory of doing academic and organizational work. But it was also tiring–I had no ample time to rest, only a few moments to pause and I had to take one step at a time quickly again–for the whole school year, ten months straight.

That’s why when I learned that a 3-day leadership training outside of school would occur during May of 2023, a month that is so close to the end of the school year, I felt somewhat excited. 

I felt as if, finally, I would have the chance to breathe away from school, the repetitive days of doing academic and extracurricular work, and the ordinary. That was the first time I encountered an opportunity where I could go to another school and experience a 3-day event, like a camping event where you would meet other walks of life outside school and listen to insightful talks.

“Tara sali tayo,” my friends, who are also council members, and I echoed to each other.

Five of us were eyeing to participate in the 3-day event at Tarlac State University (TSU), and all of us were looking forward to meeting numerous people from different schools and places in Tarlac. 

I never knew that the 3-day event I was excited about would be one of the core memories I will always treasure, a story packed with experiences of meeting new people, interacting with great individuals and student leaders, learning several lessons and insights, and breathing a fresh, fulfilling air of rest and comfort. 

I prepared a suitcase of my clothes, necessities, and other essentials I had to bring for a 3-day and 2-night stay at the campus hotel. Arriving at the campus venue brought an unfamiliar, fresh, and welcoming atmosphere and ambiance, with tall buildings and a great landscape greeting you. We proceeded to the first activity, a talk about leadership, and saw other high school and college students from different schools. We grouped into teams, and I managed to sit with other students, talk to them, and ask their names, where they studied, and what grade they were in. Every single one of the people inside the conference room was interesting, somewhat like a person waiting to be unraveled, and I was eyeing to experience more. It was only a few hours into the event and I was already excited about the things that were set to happen. 

We proceeded to enter the campus hotel and settled our things inside our designated room. There were five of us–three girls and two boys–from TAU-LS and we were split into two different rooms. We, girls from TAU-LS, shared a room with other students from another school. The first day together with them in a room was still an adjusting period, yet it bloomed into something more when we got to interact more during activities.

In the afternoon of the first day, I experienced a team trail event with other high school and college students, as we became chaotic and competitive in doing small activities on the trail, playing a game with blindfolds, doing a shape with our hands connected, and guessing and stepping on a row of tiles. I got to laugh and celebrate small victories with my teammates even if I barely knew anyone. We crossed paths for this 3-day event and we were all delighted to play, participate, and laugh throughout the games. The core memory of this activity was the last game of being soaked from sprinkling water as we were blindfolded and following a trail of rope. As the night enveloped the atmosphere, the teams all finished the games and we entered the cold, air-conditioned conference room to drink and eat snacks. 

As we ended the trail, we all went to our rooms, took a bath, and changed into our sleeping clothes. I reunited with my friends, Jhared, Martina, Crislaida, and Antawn, from TAU-LS, and talked about how fun it was during the day until the afternoon. The first night was a chaotic yet comforting one, especially when all we wanted to do was enjoy the nighttime, feel the breeze of the cold air, and cherish the dark, comforting atmosphere of the night. It was harder to doze into sleep for we were all awake with euphoria and happiness, trying to talk with our roommates and hug the pillows in the air-conditioned room with fluffy beds and cozy blankets. We climbed up and down the stairs to go to our male friends and then came back to our room to talk with our roommates. 

The three of us–Martina, Crislaida, and I–snuggled together in one fluffy bed and absorbed the coldness as we blabbered about things and whispered some gossip. Eventually, we managed to sleep after midnight and dozed off into a quiet, peaceful sleep with the cold atmosphere enveloping us. I felt as if everything was peaceful–I had nothing to worry about as I covered myself with blankets and appreciated the coldness around me. There was no academic work nor an event I was supposed to worry about the next day. There was no examination, group work, responsibility, or task I had to think about. I did not need to create any to-do lists, prepare anything, or print paperwork for the next day. 

There was nothing to worry about and, finally, I attained a peaceful, comfortable time to rest.

The second and third days had insightful leadership talks with renowned speakers, such as Atty. Chel Diokno and former Senator Bam Aquino. I equipped myself with several principles and lessons of leadership from listening to their advice and inspirational messages alongside the “Pwersa ng Kabataan, Power ng bayan!” words. The experience transformed me as I realized more about leadership and serving the people, with former Senator Bam Aquino explaining the essence of listening to people and knowing where and how to help and the motivational message of Atty. Chel Diokno to follow transformational leadership. We wrote notes in our little journals and took photos of the rare yet memorable moments of meeting the speakers. 

As we prepared for the socialization night on the second day, we changed our clothes into our costumes and put some make-up on while we all felt excited as we looked forward to the fun, memorable experience of partying with the students at night. We played games, watched performances, took amazing photos, screamed our best cheers, and enjoyed the once-in-a-lifetime socialization night with fellow student leaders from different schools. The whole night passed and we simply created new memories and dozed into sleep the moment we went back to our rooms.

The last day wrapped up with fulfillment and genuine happiness as we enjoyed the last hours of the 3-day event. With the last activity where we connected and wrote a letter to ourselves, with some students expressing their deep worries, and the conference room being an outlet for emotions, we listened to the depths of other people’s lives and the lessons of understanding and appreciating ourselves. 

“Tara picture!” reverberated all around the room, as the closing program finally ended the 3-day event.

“Ate, Kuya, pa-pirma,” students kept repeating as we tried to get each other’s social media, names, and signatures just to mark memories down our journals.

“Thank you po, thank you po!” every student leader expressed as they greeted goodbye and appreciation to everyone else.

My friends and I took photos of the remaining moments, trying to grasp the fulfilling emotions into photographic memories. We hugged friends from other schools, wrote signatures in each other’s journals, and took selfies, group pictures, and other memorable photos. The 3-day event went by like a peaceful getaway from all the worries I had in life and saying goodbye to the experience and the people I met was hard to execute, but we all had our bright smiles as we parted ways. 

I knew from then on that I made lovely new friends, who became my mutuals on social media, and that all the memories I created throughout the three days would remain unbeatable as a resting, comforting period of my life. Every moment I experienced in those three days was vivid with comfort and ease; I felt peaceful and happy every time I reminisced about every memory of those three days. 

CHAPTER 3