The Golden Fire

Once upon a time, looking straight into people’s eyes was difficult for me.

When my first set of flowers started to bloom during Elementary, there were different kinds, colors, and petals. Some were about writing and journalism, for amidst being shy and quiet, I was passionate about writing. Others were about art, creativity, stories, and books, for I thrive in all of those alone. Most were about academically related skills, such as mathematics and science, that bloomed into academic awards every year.

Yet amidst being an academic achiever with some flowers blooming in her life, I was always inside my safe, comforting shell.

Despite trying for opportunities in grades 7 and 8, I was still the person who preferred comfort and my own little bubble. I was still the person who needed to force herself to look at people’s eyes, did not know how to converse casually with older people, preferred not raising her hand in class even though she knew the answer, and viewed the campus as a world outside her comfort zone.

Eventually, that world and circumstances changed.

In March 2020, the COVID-19 pandemic forced the country to implement a lockdown and halt face-to-face education. Being used to seeing your classmates, teachers, and environment made me feel surprised by the shift that the pandemic brought to us. Everything felt unprecedented, ranging from moments of staying at home every day to wearing face masks and staying away from people. I, being a reserved person, felt comfortable yet uncertain.

Consequently, the field of flowers and passion I used to grow started to wither; the fire of change slowly burnt the petals away one by one.

The petals of experiences in journalism, art, and academics started to wither by the burning fire of change and time. Staying at home meant fewer opportunities to cherish outside my bubble. There were no journalism and writing press conferences nor mathematics and science competitions. There were no platforms of face-to-face transcending opportunities nor doors to open. There were fewer human interactions—fewer memories and relationships to create.

Losing things makes you realize the magic of presence—of cherishing every bit of the present and making the most out of everything. I slowly realized to make the most out of life, because nothing is certain.

With restrictions and the fire of change burning away my passionate petals, I started to hone my mind, creating flowers for self-realization.

I got to absorb and wallow myself in my inside world and mind—throughout the chaos, hope, imagination, and everything else that enveloped my soul. I started to dig deeper parts of myself, bond better with my family, unravel mysteries I never knew about my mind, and form philosophical and spiritual insights that made me grateful for my life.

I began to consciously flow along the waves of change, traversing the path with perseverance and passion. Embracing books, writing personal journal entries, learning deeply about myself, and nourishing the passions I have in my own way despite the restrictions of life made me take little steps to counter the fire of change that was burning my petals away.

I, instead, flowed along the fire as if it were a part of me, slowly getting in control of the blazing fire of change and turning it into a weapon. I can never stop change, but I can always flow with it.

Hence, I became one with fire.

My introverted soul was feeling comfortable about being in an isolated world during the pandemic, yet it started to feel more than that. Becoming one with fire made me realize that I long and hope for change and betterment—something I used to dream about.

I realized that I always wanted and dreamt of being braver—to look into people’s eyes with genuineness and not anxiety, raise my hand in class without any worry, and confidently present myself to society. Years before the pandemic, I already knew my reserved and timid energy was a weakness of mine, for people around me have recognized and commented about it a couple of times.     

I wanted to go out of my shell, and I never knew how. Being introverted was not the weakness, but wanting to get better was the strength. I love the realm of my inner world—imagination, fantasy, thoughts, and dreams—yet I wanted to expand my horizons further, even when I did not know how.

I just knew by then that I really wanted to become braver.

However, it did not happen overnight. Everything was a process of different unfolding chapters and millions of steps that gradually molded me into who I am today. From the moments of achieving academic awards in Elementary and trying for opportunities in High school to anxiously thinking about what to say next and dreading social interactions, I was already progressively molding myself step by step. Realizing the blessing of life and the gift of gratefulness during the pandemic has pushed me even further towards myself and the world.

By penetrating more layers of my mind and honing my skills and passions, my golden fire brought my consciousness and care to deeper parts of society and the world. I became better at writing and journalism, paving the way for my wider and deeper understanding and care to take action against injustice and anomalies. The pandemic was not just all about lockdown, online classes, and personal growth, as it branched out into a wide spectrum of health and social problems and dark points in people's lives. 

Once my eyes saw more—against and beyond every facade and lie of issues—I started to be more for others as well. Hence, my golden fire also made me continue to help the world and be braver for myself and others.

Now, looking and tracing the dots back in my history of life, I know I have become braver—I can now open doors and opportunities for myself since grade 11, look into people’s eyes and talk to them casually, and be the one who pushes myself in every chance I get. Life still has so much more for me, yet I appreciate the significant steps I have taken to shift my soul into a braver one. 

The pandemic was just one of the major pushes that brought me into a metamorphosis—turning into a golden phoenix with the fire of change. Alongside the golden fire that keeps me feeling alive in every step I conquer, I strive to make the most out of my life now. I am now trying everything and everywhere all at once, amidst all changes and limits of life. 

Gradually, my flowers bloomed into numerous colorful ones, stretching into different meadows and fields outside my comfort zone—outside my little bubble and towards the beautiful world of bravery and the unknown. With the golden fire blooming inside me, nothing and no one has ever blown its strength away. Amidst both wanting to be better and cherishing the present, I am burning golden. 

I am still one with fire—golden with hope, change, and passion to live and make the most out of everything.

Looking back to those days when I was still the person who did not try to make the most out of her life, I never regretted anything. I needed all my past—all those difficult starting points—to be who I am now.